Benny's Rules for surviving in Lagoon Company
by SuperMike90
Summary: So you're the newest member of Dutch's crew? No need to worry Benny has got some rules that will give you a chance to survive.
1. Chapter 1

So you're going to join Lagoon Company? Guess Dutch knows best but…..you're going to need my help. Here's some rules to follow that will help keep you alive.

**1-Don't piss Revy off**

Seriously you can trust me on this one. We're here closest friends and we've all come very close to being shot. Avoid doing this at all cost.

**2-Don't Touch my Electrical Equipment**

I may not be as scary as Revy but still I can be if the mood takes me. Don't touch.

**3-Stay Away from my girlfriend too**

Yes I have one and if you make a move on her you will suffer for it. Even if she invites you.

**4-Make sure you pull your weight.**

Dutch doesn't appreciate laziness

**5-Do not try to seduce Rock**

That's how the last noob died (Remember rule 1)

**6-Do not Try to Seduce Revy.**

Let's just say Revy's idea of romance involves a lot of Alcohol, people getting shot and open fires. How Rock is still alive I have no idea.

**7-Do not Imply Rock and Revy are romantically involved when she can hear you.**

While they totally are/will be she doesn't like to admit it. She'll get embarrassed and then she gets mad. Just don't.

**8-Do not try to set up Rock and Revy on a date.**

The last time that was tried that 'Date' led to the yellow flag and a significant proportion of the city being destroyed. We're not sure what happened but after seeing the bill me and Dutch agreed never to do it again

**9-You can't outdrink Rock and Revy . Don't try.**

This is more for the sake of your liver. Those two are superhuman drinkers. Even Dutch can't compete.

**10-Avoid anyone dressed as a maid**

If you see a maid just run away. Those girls are scary.

**11- The church is not a safe place.**

Everyone at that church is heavily armed.

**12- The police are not going to help you**

Ringing the police in a crisis is useless. You may as well ring the pizza guy.

**13- Do not steal Revy's Pizza**

Revy is EXTREMELY protective of her Pizza and will defend it.

**14- if Revy buys you an item of clothing make sure you thank her and wear it.**

Manners cost nothing and save you from bullets and she takes it personally if you don't. I still wear the one she bought me. Rock is the only exception for obvious reasons.

**15- Before you wear anything Revy has given you outside the office examine it carefully**

Some of things Revy has bought in the past have had a picture of a hand giving the finger or unintentionally insulting things about specific races. If you have annoyed her she may do this deliberately. It's still safer than not wearing it but just be careful and use it at the right times.

**16- Do not annoy Rock**

Just because he doesn't carry a gun doesn't mean he isn't dangerous.

**17- Do not try to stop anyone in this city from smoking.**

You really don't want to see any of those highly skilled killers with Nicotine withdrawal.

**18- Don't trust children.**

Any kids that survive this city are dangerous

**19- Learn to defend yourself**

Lagoon company will try to defend you if the situation go badly but there are no guarantees.

**20- You are not funny**

One bad joke can lead to you being the punchline. It's just not worth the risk


	2. Chapter 2

So still alive huh. You're doing well. Heres a few more that may help you

**21\. Do not make fun Of Balalaika's appearance**

She is a dangerous woman with military training, loyal soldiers and heavy weaponry. Do you really think joking about one of the few things she's sensitive about is a good idea?

**22\. It is not important to make a cool entrance**

Regardless of what Lotton tells you it isn't important and may actually increase the chances of you getting shot

**23\. Do not ask to see childhood photographs**

This is more for your own sanity, seeing what Borris, Yolanda and Balalaika used to be like is plain scary.

**24\. Do not eat too many of Yolanda's 'Special' brownies**

We don't want you to lose your mind.

**25\. Dutch Will not give you the talk. Don't ask.**

Yeah one of our younger interns crossed that boundary. Dutch was not amused

**26\. The only person allowed to download pornography on my computer is me.**

I don't care what kind of weird stuff you are into but I don't want I showing on my internet history. Got me in trouble with Jane

**27\. Do not make fun of Shenhua's language skills**

You are not Revy you won't stand a chance.

**28\. Do not steal sawyer's voicebox.**

She's an expert on slicing people into pieces and if she realises you stole the one thing she really treasures she will show you how expert she really is.

**29\. Sawyer is a girl. Do not get this wrong.**

Last person who got that wrong ended up cut into 2604 different pieces. She counted each piece.

**30\. Do not ask Borris about his feelings for Balilika.**

Trust me you don't want that guy telling you his life story. Rock made that mistake.

**31\. Do not betray the other members of the company**

Yeah no matter how much you get paid for it you won't live long enough to spend it.

**32\. When Revy has PMS stay far away as possible**

Do I really need to explain this one?

**33\. We do not cosplay on missions….anymore**

My Sailor moon costume did not go down well and Dutch banned it on all future missions. Sorry.

**34\. Do not joke that someone is wearing a wire.**

That led to one of the most horrific bloodbaths the yellowflag ever saw.

**35\. Do not go up to the Hotel Moscow soldiers and tell them there is a code 14 in progress.**

Someone once thought doing this was a funny prank, what they didn't know is apparently this is code for alien invasion. At the end of that day the city was locked down and the Russians had shot down 36planes.

**36\. Do not make jokes about the police**

For different reasons Mr Chang and Revy will not appreciate it.

**37\. Do not hurt Garcia.**

The maids will kill you. Quickly.

**38\. Do not Seduce Garcia.**

The maids will kill you. Painfully.

**39\. Do not go door to door trying to convert people to your religion**.

Your religion (if you have one) is your business but knocking on peoples doors for no good reason will get you killed in this city.

**40\. Don't trust anything Dutch gives you (even if it's your birthday)**

It's always something for a mission. Always


End file.
